Onion, Inc. Scrawlings I had the honor of writing headlines in the Onion, Inc. network for their satirical, celebrity-themed site, "StarWipe." My job was to write headlines to mock the Hollywood drivel of the day. Below are just a few of my headlines. Nobody's forcing you to dive all the way in. Just dip a toe and see if the water feels good.



3 Years Since Tom Cruise Has Seen Daughter Who Lives All The Way On Earth


6 Celebrities Who You Forgot Committed Horrible Crimes And Are Mark Wahlberg


O.J.'s Athletic Legacy Under Threat As New DNA Test Could Revoke His Shutout Win Over Murder Victims


Miesha Tate Taunts Ronda Rousey For Wanting Baby, Cements Fact That MMA Has Worst Work Environment On Earth


'Matrix' Filmmaker Comes Out As Transgendered Not That It Matters Because None Of This Is Real


5 Tans That Make These Celebrities Impossible To Find In A Gorgeous Pile Of Wallets


How These 9 Celebrities Got Their Big Breaks If You Pretend Strategic Sex Wasn't Involved


Are You A True Belieber In The 9/11 Inside Job Theory?


The Animal Stars Of 1993's 'Homeward Bound:' Where Are They Now?


Madonna Relieves June Heat On ‘Tonight Show’ By Lending Aura Of Unnatural Cold


How Anti-Vaxxer Justin Timberlake Is Bringin' Sexy Back And By “Sexy” We Mean “Polio”


7 Great Personalities Celebrities Are Wearing This Summer


QUIZ: Which Member Of *NSYNC Are You No Matter How Much You Don't Want To Be Joey Fatone?


Snooki’s Mommy Advice To Fans Who Don't Know Why A Baby Came Out Of Them Or If It Needs Food


QUIZ: How Many Of Mel Gibson's Hate-Filled Rants Are About You?


10 Things Celebrities Believe Because They Received Fame Instead Of An Education