Jokes Just a few of the flames from the fire I've been spitting on my Twitter feed.
Just saw a bald man wearing a visor and driving a convertible. It's like someone dragged a razor across the top of his entire life.
— Jesse Fernandez (@JesseFernandez) August 7, 2015
Fashion is a glimpse into someone's opinion about the world. It's communication they wear. For example, a Detroit Tigers hat says that person likes hearing "maybe next year." But people share and support these fashion statements. The bald/visor/convertible guy has a bald/visor/convertible crew, and I think that's kinda great. It means whatever you're into, there's probably a group for you. We don't all have to like a fashion statement--but unless your soul is a stale Triscuit--we should appreciate that it makes someone happy.
My theory is that guys save up things they're sad about and then cry when their sports team loses.
— Jesse Fernandez (@JesseFernandez) January 16, 2016
Don't feel bad if your favorite sports team loses: The outcome was predetermined. I don't mean bigwigs paid players or referees to cheat; I mean every breath of an ant and rotation of a galaxy acts because it's been acted upon, and whatever led to The Big Bang was simply (well, complicatedly) primordial dominos falling in a chain of events that eventually caused enough free time in your day for you to read this. It's like a universal Rube Goldberg machine whirring and spinning; the sparkle of billions of galaxies glistening with orbiting suns and planets housing single-celled organisms evolving into communities of cells with plinko machines of synapse-firings that vie for behaviors that those cells perceive as decisions--all while light years away black holes warp time into their immense gravity. So don't worry if your favorite player dropped the game-winning pass: It was completely unavoidable.
Lone wolves are portrayed in movies as cool, but they're not cool. Chuck Norris's shroud of distance and stoicism is a mechanism to hide his feelings so they can't be hurt. It's the emotional equivalent of leaving a bandaid on because it might be painful to pull off. I want to see a movie where Chuck Norris faces down his own emotional baggage and roundhouse kicks his commitment issues in the nuts. Sometimes toughening up means loving something, ya know?
There's more bacteria in your mouth than on your butt science is horrible don't learn it
— Jesse Fernandez (@JesseFernandez) September 8, 2015
Everything that happens is caused.
Every breath of an ant and rotation of a galaxy acts because it's been acted upon. Whatever led to The Big Bang was simply (well, complicatedly) the first dominos falling in a chain of events that eventually caused enough free time in your day for you to read this. It's as if God is watching his universal Rube Goldberg machine whir and spin; the sparkle of billions of galaxies glistening as he observes a domino effect turn single-celled organisms into communities of cells with plinko machines of synapse-firings that vie for behaviors that those cells perceive as decisions--all while light years away black holes warp time into their immense gravity. Are your hiccups cured yet? I can keep going.
Science is terrifying.
My college knows I got a degree in the arts, why do they keep acting like I have money to donate to their annual fund
— Jesse Fernandez (@JesseFernandez) October 28, 2015
The humanities is a scam. It cost me $40,000 for the observation that having a master's degree in Communication Studies is almost exactly like not having one. The amount your college major will likely earn you should change how much your college costs. Example: Engineering--$100,000. Communication Studies--5 recyclable cans.
Higher education is slowly becoming free online though, which means college deans will have to find cheaper ways to get away from the wife than those mysterious "business" trips to Thailand where they once accidentally obtained crabs from "petting a dog probably."
Stop letting Jesus take the wheel, he's from before cars were invented and has no idea what he's doing.
— Jesse Fernandez (@JesseFernandez) December 25, 2015
If I were a resident of Jesus’ era, and I was summoned through time to drive in a situation too stressful for the one of us in the car with a driver’s license, we’d super definitely crash.
I might even assume the person summoned me to help them escape the belly of the running metal abomination we were trapped in, and I’d expect a thank you if I figured out that tugging on the beast’s circular cartilage makes it veer into stuff.
God may just help you be more confident in your own driving decisions--He tends to intervene with a light touch, if at all. You may be better off invoking the name Dale Earnhardt Jr. and hoping he happens to be in the car with you.
Overheard a homeless man whispering, "you're not crippled, you don't need that wheelchair" to a baby in a stroller.
— Jesse Fernandez (@JesseFernandez) August 2, 2015
"The hedonic treadmill" is the idea that any goals achieved are quickly replaced by new goals, and this process keeps people at a relatively stable level of happiness because they're constantly focused on what they *don't* have.
This concept makes more sense after basic needs are met though because--no matter how zen you are--you're probably less happy if your only source of sustenance is sand.
That is an example of a nuance I did not consider when I first heard of the hedonic treadmill, which I instead used as an excuse to not improve my life whatsoever while claiming to have "beaten the system."
I thought, "Why fix health concerns and maintain friendships when I'll be just as happy either way? Now where's that drawing of a Nintendo cartridge saying 'Blow me' that I was working on?" I was certain I found the back door to happiness. And yet--despite no odds--I was miserable while unhealthy and alone.
That homeless guy was happy. Maybe he was crazy and definitely he was was crazy. But also maybe he had good friends and felt healthy. ...As a side-note, he also said the nearby out-of-commission bus was "just being lazy."
They should do a hoarders episode about all these tabs I have open.
— Jesse Fernandez (@JesseFernandez) August 2, 2015
Hoarders are all around you, and you might be one. It's easy to see when someone has never let an egg shell leave their home, but more difficult to recognize that an entirely similar compulsion drives someone else to keep absolutely nothing at all.
Anxiety management. Early in life anxious kids discover tricks for anxiety relief, and they repeat and reinforce their particular trick until it becomes ingrained. One kid discovers a near-constant stream of positive affirmations makes him feel good, and he grows up to be a comedian. Another kid discovers saving his boogers gives him a sense of control, and he grows up to turn his apartment into a knee-deep booger repository. I took the comedy route, which is slightly less frowned upon, but I've written tens of thousands of jokes, and if they took up a booger's-worth of space, they'd fill my place up to your knees. The branches of hoarding may be far apart, but the roots are the same.