"Oh No It's Father's Day?!" Gifts
Dad let you spit up food onto his shoulder when you were a baby and again last year after Cinco de Mayo, so you owe him. Don’t disappoint dad again this Father’s Day with a lame-ass last-minute gift. Order one of these awesome last-minute gifts that tell your dad, “Hey, I’m not a loser: I have a credit card and an internet connection!”
All of the Amazon links are affiliate links, so while your dad might not love it if you got him one of these gifts, I’d be delighted.
This gift says, “I appreciate all the rides to soccer practice, but we’ve been collecting a lot of mailboxes along the way. So I thought I’d try a little parenting up.”
Get this Father’s Day gift to let everyone know you love your dad FOR THE PORK RIND ENJOYER HE IS — not for his ARTERIES.
With Renova Black toilet paper, your dad will revel like he’s wiping his ass with a tuxedo. He’ll bask in the stark sophistication of accidentally breaking through this 100% soft ebony parchment toilet paper with his finger.
It works like spin the bottle, except dad would never break his marriage vows, so instead dad makes out with the bottle!
Make everyone laugh at the comparison between this container of English food-matter and that thing your dad used to make you. Goes great with vagina custard.
A gun-shaped coffee mug?! Finally, dad can mix his usual source of morning comfort with coffee. Now every time your dad takes a sip of joe, he’ll get to play a prank on onlookers that will delightfully make them scared and then sad.
Ties. The perfect symbol of appreciation for dads donning the noose of fatherhood. So make it a noose with style! Maybe go with a hot color for a dad who has a hot and energetic personality, or a Jerry Garcia-style tie for the dad who talks in warbling, aimless solos.
Problem: Dad’s old wallet is throwing off his spine alignment.
Solution: Get him a nice new wallet to throw off his spine alignment.
NO PRESSURE.